How Did My Life End Up This Way?

If you had told me five years ago, the way my life would end up, as it is today, I would have laughed hysterically. There is NO WAY I would have thought I would spend my days (and nights) sitting at home changing diapers and cooking supper. I was completely against the stereo typical house wife scenario. At least I'm not fulfilling my worst nightmare, which is to work at some dead end, boring ass job day in and day out and then go home, watch tv, go to bed, just to wake up and do it all over again. I realize that is a reality for many, many people in this world. I just could never envision myself living that way. I have just always felt there is something more out there.

I am now starting to question that, and it bothers me a lot that I question it. Am I seriously contemplating that there is nothing more? Is life just a series of mundane events that slowly string together, summing up our lives? I mean the first 25 years of my life were anything but mundane... but what am I destined for in the next 60 years? I can't help but wonder, does life just slowly go down from here? Don't get me wrong, I look forward to watching my daughter grow up. It just makes me feel like warning her about the pain and sorrow and lack of substance that life can bring, once you grow up. Wow, what a positive post! I can honestly say I don't think like this all the time but once in a while, on days like today, when we are snowed in our house, I realize how much my life has changed.

Let me take a trip down memory lane. And I will warn all those reading this, my life was definitely rated X. So if you are easily offended, or like to live with your head in the sand, do not read any more.

I started my career as a party girl at age 15. I was raised as a church girl, so when I decided to rebel, it was very intense. I loved to get drunk and smoke weed. I ran away and ended up moving out before I was 16. Surprisingly, I still finished high school, although it took me an extra year, because I was constantly dropping out and skipping out. But at least I finished. During high school I experimented with acid, mushrooms, and different perscription drugs. Half the time I didn't know what I was taking or snorting, I just wanted to get high.

Although I had many oppurtunities to go overseas and model, I fucked it all up by partying. Somehow in my hormone charged mind, this was worth it. I kick myself to this day. I did end up in a profession using my looks, though. I decided to quit my job working at a gas station to become a stripper.

I loved it. I know a lot of people judge me and other girls for doing it, but I don't regret it at all. It was such a fun lifestyle. I made killer cash, I got to travel all over Canada, and I saw and did things that other girls only dream of doing. Men worshipped me. I realize for completely superficial reasons, but I didn't care. The money, the parties, the life. But then I started to get lonely... only knowing people in passing becomes kind of sad. I started doing crystal methemphetamine and extacy. It escalated to the point where I started becoming dependent. I met my boyfriend T at that time. We had a lot of fun together, but we both decided that we wanted something more in life than partying.

So after an exciting 2 years, I quit dancing and we both moved to Southern Alberta and quit drugs. I am really glad that we did, because who knows where we would have been today if we had kept doing those harmful drugs. They control you. I am very lucky to be alive.

Although I am grateful I am out of that lifestyle, it is such a culture shock. I am SO glad I was able to experience all that I experienced, but it does make it hard to deal with my boring day to day life now. I know that I just have to learn to appreciate different things in life, that don't involve excitement. I guess that once in a while I look back and miss living on the edge.

life after a break up

I'm feeling numb. There is an emptiness inside of me. Nothing is real yet. It's still a dream.

I still speak with him daily. I'm not sure if it's making the transition easier or harder. We chat on web cam so I can see him and hear him, and it makes me want to touch him so badly. That is what I miss the most about him, his thickness. That may sound weird, but I love how his body is so warm and solid. I don't know if I'm describing it accurately, because he isn't overweight, he just has the right amount over heavy muscle.

I miss his presence and the security of always having him near. If something was to happen, I would want him with me right away.

I definitely don't miss his jealousy. And his crazy possessiveness. Although I still have to deal with that everyday anyways. It's insane. But I just don't know how it will work out in the end. I guess I just have to let the universe do it's thing.

All I know is that I am just taking it day by day. I can tell my baby girl is feeling something missing, she's been fussier than usual since he left. She is definitely a comfort to me though, and she is only five months old. I'm optimistic for our future, I know our life will be a good one. It's just me and her now.


xoxox
Jessi Jayne